Hold Up City Council!
I have a great idea to go along with your draconian approach to drinking in the Old Port. There are some issues in town that I think could be approached in the same way you approached the drunk people problem in the Old Port.
SPEEDING A THING OF THE PAST
All we need to do is start taxing car manufacturers for every mile per hour over the speed limit. We could even expand the 20mph areas onto hills to get those pesky bike riders. I bet you could squeeze lots of pennies out of those hoity toity bike makers. The best way to stop a speeder is to fine a carmaker.
CREDIT CARD FRAUD JUST A CASE OF MISKTAKEN IDENTITY
Every time a person uses someone elses identity we they are very hard to find and fine. Credit card company's are much easier to fine so we should. Tack on all those police hours spent looking around for the lost cards. Credit card related crime solved. The credit card companies will pay for causing the crimes associated with them. They will soon go out of business in fact making identity theft on credit cards a thing of the past.
VIOLENT CRIMES
Now heres an easy one, fine the WWF every time someone gets beaten. We have looked at violence as being a product of individuals for long enough. Lets put the accountability where it belongs, on the wrestlers. No longer should our country, state, and city feel the bitter mockery of Jessy Ventura.
WEED and WEEDS
Now the drug problem we've been feeling the sting of has gotten to a fever pitch. Likewise weeds in gardens continue to proliferate. We have stopped at the point where we need to boldly contiue. The police have made the first brave steps in the race to make Portland weed-free. I will up their ante. We need to make the whole planet a drug free school zone. Penalize the earth that grows the weed to the maximum extent. It has mocked us by growing things we don't want it to long enough. Lets practice zero tolerance for the earth.
So in these elegantly simple ways we will eradicate the troubles of Portland, Maine. Where there is weed there we will pave, where there is wrestlers there will be none and where there is bar related commerce there will be vacant buildings. They will be icons of the city councils foresight.
SPEEDING A THING OF THE PAST
All we need to do is start taxing car manufacturers for every mile per hour over the speed limit. We could even expand the 20mph areas onto hills to get those pesky bike riders. I bet you could squeeze lots of pennies out of those hoity toity bike makers. The best way to stop a speeder is to fine a carmaker.
CREDIT CARD FRAUD JUST A CASE OF MISKTAKEN IDENTITY
Every time a person uses someone elses identity we they are very hard to find and fine. Credit card company's are much easier to fine so we should. Tack on all those police hours spent looking around for the lost cards. Credit card related crime solved. The credit card companies will pay for causing the crimes associated with them. They will soon go out of business in fact making identity theft on credit cards a thing of the past.
VIOLENT CRIMES
Now heres an easy one, fine the WWF every time someone gets beaten. We have looked at violence as being a product of individuals for long enough. Lets put the accountability where it belongs, on the wrestlers. No longer should our country, state, and city feel the bitter mockery of Jessy Ventura.
WEED and WEEDS
Now the drug problem we've been feeling the sting of has gotten to a fever pitch. Likewise weeds in gardens continue to proliferate. We have stopped at the point where we need to boldly contiue. The police have made the first brave steps in the race to make Portland weed-free. I will up their ante. We need to make the whole planet a drug free school zone. Penalize the earth that grows the weed to the maximum extent. It has mocked us by growing things we don't want it to long enough. Lets practice zero tolerance for the earth.
So in these elegantly simple ways we will eradicate the troubles of Portland, Maine. Where there is weed there we will pave, where there is wrestlers there will be none and where there is bar related commerce there will be vacant buildings. They will be icons of the city councils foresight.
posted by Kevin Gardella for School Committee at 4:36 PM
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